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A guy is swerving down the road and gets pulled over.
The cop says, "You have to take a Breathalyzer test."
The guy says, "I can't. I have asthma, and it will start me on a coughing fit."
The cop says, "Then I have to give you a blood test."
The guy says, "You can't...I'm a hemophiliac, and if you prick me, I'll bleed all over the place."
The cops says, "Then you have to get out of the car and walk a straight line."
The guy says, "I can't."
The cop says, "Why not?"
The guy says, "Because I'm drunk. Didn't you see the way I was driving, you asshole?"

Two drunks are at the bar.
The first guy says, "Let's have one more drink and then go find some broads."
The other guy says, "Nah, I've got more than I can handle at home."
The first guy says, "Then let's have one more drink and go to your place."

Why do hippos do their romancing underwater?
You know how hard it is to keep a five-hundred pound pussy wet?

Did you hear the first Viagra baby has been born?
It could stand up right away.